I've been fighting the current. That's never a good idea, but sometimes I just can't figure out how not to do it. And the truth is, I didn't figure out how not to do it, I just got to a point where I stopped. After whatever ponderings and mental gymnastics and self-pity and just plain fighting I did, from one breath to the next I stopped.
This time around it had to do with solitude. I spent five years basically wanting to go hide under a rock somewhere; if I had to be on this planet, then at least I could be as alone and quiet as possible. In the last few months, though, I've begun to feel differently - I've had the desire to get up and go, to be out in the world. I want to go hiking and kayaking and riding, I want to try a dance class and see movies and go to concerts, I want to go to Italy and Spain and Peru not so that I can run away from here but just to enjoy being there. I want to explore and enjoy and try new things - all of which involves leaving my house.
But a confluence of events is working against that, at least against it happening very often. From a number of different directions in my life I am getting the message that I need to be staying home, moving into silence, embracing solitude. I've been fighting against it, but last night I suddenly breathed that breath of acceptance, understanding again that somewhere in this solitude is a gift even though it may take me a while to recognize it.
The Buddhists say that the real cause of suffering and unhappiness is wanting things to be different than they are, and I think they've got it exactly right. Last night I stopped wanting things to be different and today I feel renewed. I've let the current carry me; I don't know where it will take me, but I am sure that it's wherever I am supposed to go.